


Keeping the closet door closed

by D_g_A



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-05-29 11:04:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6372292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_g_A/pseuds/D_g_A
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texting isn’t always without risk… and the consequences could be devastating...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You know what hit the fan... yeah...

What a shitty day. That’s the least Jiyong could say about the previous 24 hours. He was sitting with his hands in his hair in his private dressing room on a chair that was already occupied with various pieces of clothing. They just finished their concert. The chair wasn’t normally used as some sort of closet, but then again this didn’t turned out to be a normal day.

  
He got up early in the morning so he could do stuff before the concert. He planned on eating a healthy breakfast for once, but it got interrupted by an angry call for the CEO himself. He usually didn’t get scolded (that was more Seungri’s thing), but sending a gay movie to your boss instead of the promised track, did the thing. And, although the track was due to this morning, the entire 45 minute phone call wasn’t about the song at all, it was solely about closet doors staying closed.

  
You see, Jiyong did a fine job at keeping his sexuality a secret from almost everybody. But some people found out. Jiyong himself didn’t utter a word about the subject. He was sure his parents knew… well, his mom anyway. Perhaps his bandmates knew. Youngbae always smiles in a sad way when he bragged (and lied) about one of the many girls he’s scoring. But he never said anything so he couldn’t be sure.

  
The only one he was sure of that knew, was Kiko. He did date her, but after a week she figured out why he was not into certain stuff. He tried though, and she knew that. They stayed friends, why wouldn’t they? They both loved fashion. Kiko encouraged him to talk about it with people. But she was Japanese and he was living in Korea, things were, and still are, very different. So he only talked to her about it. She was very supportive and it helped to talk.

  
_‘Would they really treat you different? Perhaps you should give them more credit.’_ Kiko was sure that the rest of the group would understand and support him. He toughed about the advice Kiko gave him and made a decision to tell at least one of the members soon. But that was before the phone call this morning. The string of angry text messages that followed made sure he would never, ever tell anyone. He was sure his boss wasn’t going to either. Messages like _‘you’re an idol, we’d lose all the fans!’ , ‘God doesn’t approve of this!’ and ‘Have you even tried to just date a girl?’_ filled up his phone throughout the day.

  
How did he ever made a mistake like that? It’s not like he kept work files next to him movies. But yesterday was a long day and surely he must’ve made a mistake. He wanted to lie to his, at first. Telling him it was just a joke. But he was too shocked and frightened to do so. He’d brace himself for the rest of the day. He felt like breaking down in his room would be perfect, but he had stuff to do before the concert later that day.

  
He did do everything he had to do, but it went everything but well. The band’s appointment with the hairdressers came first. They all left the hotel together. Everyone in the minivan was in a good mood. Daesung was singing trot while Seunghyun provided a very weird but fitting dance, which made Seungri laugh uncontrollably. Youngbae however did ask him if he was alright, but he just answered that he didn’t sleep that well.

  
The appointment itself went way worse however. His thoughts weren’t distracted by the members having fun. He tried to read some article in a fashion magazine, but he got interrupted by constant texts from the boss. And when his hairdresser said something in the line of: “My, aren’t you popular today.”, he snapped.

  
The moment he stopped yelling at her, he felt bad. He knew she only wanted to break the silence, but it all became too much. He didn’t curse that much, but in his minute of verbal rampage he did. Everyone in the room was staring at him. The hairdressers looked scared, but the rest of the group had a variety of expressions. Seunghyun just ignored it and kept staring at his reflection in the mirror, Daesung’s eyes were playing Ping-Pong between him and the verbally assaulted girl. Seungri got up with a slightly angry face and started walking towards him, but Youngbae stopped him. The disappointment displayed in his eyes told him enough.

  
Jiyong got up from the chair, not caring if his hair was finished or not. He made his way towards the door and muttered some sort of apology for his behavior, although he wasn’t sure anyone heard it. The moment he left the building, he felt better already, less pressured. He figured a long walk in the city would do him some good.  
He wandered around for the rest of the day. At first, he got a call from Youngbae, but he choose to ignore it. He put his phone on vibrating without sound and put it back in his pocket. He felt it go off constantly, but he wouldn’t pick it up… He just couldn’t right now.

  
Minutes turned into hours and it started to get dark outside. The concert wouldn’t be until later that night but he had to get ready. His boss was already pissed, not being prepared and ready for a concert would be catastrophic. He ran to the nearest street and called a cab.  
The cab ride itself wasn’t that bad, he figured out how he was going to handle tonight. He had to smile for hours, pretending everything was more than fine. He could do that, it wasn’t like he didn’t do that before. But meeting his other band members after what happened this morning was another matter. He didn’t want to see their angry faces, he didn’t want to get scolded again and he certainly didn’t want to explain himself and his actions… He’d have a breakdown for sure.

  
But the meeting turned out to be inevitable. They had separate dressing rooms, but make-up was done in a large room. He saw Seunghyun first. Luckily for Jiyong, he tried to avoid confrontations at all costs. They never fought before or had an argument and Seunghyun clearly didn’t want to start now. Daesung’s face came into his line of vision next. He was looking at him with and unreadable expression. When he went over and put a hand on Jiyong’s shoulder. The gesture could be described as a normal friendly pat, but he knew Daesung was trying to make him feel better. He secretly loved that. Daesung was always so kind, even when that person didn’t deserve his kindness. The door opened and Seungri and Youngbae got in. They were talking to each other till they say Jiyong. The conversation had and abrupt end and the entire room was silent again.

  
Jiyong expected Seungri to be angry and yell at him, but he was met by more silence. Youngbae must have seen his confusion because he started to talk.  
“We’re all shocked and angry about the fact that you yelled at that nice girl this morning. That was beyond rude...” Youngbae paused and calmed down a bit.  
“But I also know that you were upset this morning, so we figured that those two things are connected…” He told them, why did he do that? Jiyong became protective.

  
“Will you tell us what’s wrong.” It wasn’t a question, Youngbae all but ordered him to tell. But no way in hell he was going to say anything. If there’s one thing that he wasn’t going to do soon (or ever), was coming out of the closet. The problems with his boss proved that that was a very bad idea.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He snapped back. Jiyong didn’t give any of them the chance to ask more questions. He took a couple of make-up tools, took his clothes of the rack and went to his dressing room. If Jiyong took the time to look at his fellow bandmates and friends before storming off, he’d noticed that their expressions all changed to confusion and worry.

“You were right, something’s wrong with hyung…” Seungri exhaled.

“Yeah, and by the way he reacted earlier and now, it seems there’s something very, very wrong…” Youngbae agreed with him. His hands were going through his hair in slight desperation. If he didn’t want to talk, Jiyong wasn’t going to… not until the problem either went away or it was too late.

“How-“ Seungri started but soon was interrupted when the door swung open to reveal an angry CEO.

“Is Jiyong here already?!?”

“Ah sir, he’s in his dressing room, but…” Daesung almost whispered but the CEO cut him off as well.

“I don’t care, I need to speak with him NOW! The four of you continue to get ready and don’t dare to disturb us!” He roared while opening Jiyong’s door and smashed it close a second later. The remaining four members looked at each other in fear.

  
_‘For the boss to be this angry and Ji… this never happened before, even during the scandal a few years back he stayed supportive. Tis isn’t good!’_ Youngbae toughed.

TBC


	2. Running away seems nice

**“I don’t care, I need to speak with him NOW! The four of you continue to get ready and don’t dare to disturb us!” He roared while opening Jiyong’s door and smashed it close a second later. The remaining four members looked at each other in fear.**

**‘For the boss to be this angry and Ji… this never happened before, even during the scandal a few years back he stayed supportive. Tis isn’t good!’** **Youngbae toughed.**

 

Jiyong started doing his make-up although it felt like he was trying to save whatever he could save. He looked worn down, tired beyond believe. He put the translucent lipstick on in a way that made him look like he was smiling… at least, from afar. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to fool, himself, the rest of the members or the fans, but he wasn’t going to risk his job or having to explain himself on talk shows by looking like he hasn’t slept in over a week.

He picked up the eyeliner lying in front of him, when the door slammed close behind him. He jumped at the sound and looked in the mirror to see who it was, although he already knew. A seething CEO appeared in the mirror, walking towards him. His feelings of sadness and anger made place for fright. The boss was almost never mad at him, why should he, Jiyong was his star, his masterpiece, number one on the list of people he respected. But now it looked like he was at the bottom of that list. Jiyong turned around and put his hands up in defense.

“Sir, I-“ But he got rufly interrupted by his boss grabbing his arms and yelling at him.

 

“Shut up and listen!” His grip hurt and Jiyong was sure his arms were going to bruise.

“You’re a piece of shit, you know that? Look at what you have, is this the thanks I get for giving you all of this, huh?! You’re risking it all just, for what, a warm body next to you at night?” Jiyong was shaking, hearth pounding in his ears.

 

“Sir, I never-“ His started in a small voice, but got interrupted once again.

 

“Good… keep it that way, if you want to keep your job!” His voice got low but not less angry. He released Jiyong’s arms and pushed him away. Jiyong wasn’t prepared for this however, he figured the boss would slap him at some point, not push him. He tripped on the chair behind him and landed hard on his right knee with his back towards the CEO and the door. He managed to stay quiet, biting his lower lip. It really hurt, but he couldn’t show it to his boss. It would only make matters worse.

“If you screw up anything or make even the smallest mistake, in public, on a talk show, during a concert or whatever, you’re out! And I’ll make sure nobody hires you. If I were you, I’d never tell a soul… unless you want to live your pathetic life alone.” And with that he left, slamming the door again.

 

The moment he heard the door slam shut, he let out a sob and started crying. _‘Shit, shit, SHIT! You stupid idiot! Why did you send that movie, why?!’_ he mentally slapped himself. _‘Okay, stop crying, the concert will start soon. You can’t let them see you like this. They’ll want an explanation.’_ He managed to snap out of it and get up off the floor.

 

He changed his clothes first. His knee wasn’t looking too bad, sure it might be a bit sore tomorrow, but that was it. His arms would bruise as well, but for now, he didn’t have to worry about that. The clothes for the concert all covered his arms completely. After changing, he continued fixing his make-up and hair. His eyes were still red, but he hoped the rest of the members couldn’t tell. ‘Just, keep it together. Finish the concert and go to the new hotel and sleep, tomorrow will be better…’ he told himself.

 

**

 

When the CEO left Jiyong’s changing room in a rush, the rest of the members tried to look as unsuspicious as possible. They’ve all been trying to listen to what was happening inside, but couldn’t. Youngbae heard some shuffling, like something moved or fell, but that was about it.

 

Now everyone was looking anywhere but their leader’s room or the CEO. That was, until he stopped walking he started speaking.

 

“Listen all, make sure he doesn’t screw up!” And with that, he left. The other members looked at each other, confusion clearly written on their faces. Seungri was the first to talk.

 

“Screw up? Screw up what?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.

 

“I… I don’t know, I think he was talking about the concert.” Daesung answered.

 

“Hyung screwing up at a concert, that can’t be right…” Seungri voiced what everyone in the room was thinking.

“He’s a perfectionist, especially when it comes to performances…” He added and the rest nodded in agreement. They stayed quiet for the rest of time. When they were all finished and ready to get up on stage, Seunghyun got up from his chair.

 

“Okay, time to shine… Perhaps it’s better that Youngbae gets Jiyong and the rest of us already takes off. We don’t want to pressure him any further, I’m sure he’s not in a very good state of mind right now…” Daesung agreed with his hyung and they both got out of the room. Seungri however stayed behind. Youngbae knew exactly why. They were close, him and Jiyong. Perhaps closer than he originally thought… even if they both couldn’t see it. Youngbae suspected this had something to do with Jiyong’s behavior today. But he couldn’t be sure. The CEO being so angry made him doubt himself. _‘That is, if the CEO doesn’t know…’_ He shook his head, now is not the time to think about this. He went over towards Jiyong’s door and knocked.

 

“Ji, it’s ti-“ But he didn’t need to finish because the door was already opening slowly, revealing a ready Jiyong. He cleaned up rather nice. You could barely tell something was off, that is, if you didn’t know him. Normally Jiyong gets all hyped up before a concert, smiling, dancing and goofing around in their dressing rooms. This Jiyong looked beat down, vulnerable and ashamed of himself for some reason. He tried to avoid any eye contact, but Youngbae could see the redness of his eyes all too well. The make-up tried to hide any flaw, but unless Jiyong started smiling, the fans knew something would be wrong.

 

Jiyong cleared his throat, trying to break the hold up. But Youngbae was worried, more so than an hour ago. Jiyong wasn’t having any of it and walked away towards the exit when Youngbae tried to stop him with his hands. Jiyong flinched when his friend’s hand came in contact with his pre-bruised arm.

“Ji” Youngbae whispered, looking at Jiyong, clearly worried. But he didn’t look back or responded. He pulled himself loose and walked away while ignoring the next person he encountered, Seungri. Seungri didn’t find the courage to stop him. It wasn’t the time to do so neither. But when Jiyong disappeared from their vision, Seungri voiced his worries.

 

“He’s been crying…” Seungri sighed while looking at Youngbae.

 

“Yeah… I know…” Youngbae replied.

 

“I wonder what happened? This is anything but normal…” But when Youngbae didn’t answer, Seungri looked at his hyung and saw something besides worry: realization. 

“Wait, do you know what happened, hyung?! Please, tell me!” Seungri nearly shouted.

 

“I… No, it’s just a hunch, probably not what’s happening… Besides, if I’m right, you’re gonna have to ask him yourself…” Youngbae explained. Seungri wanted to say something, but was cut off.

“Really, now’s not the time. Ask him later, when he calms down… whenever that is… Come on, the fans are waiting.” And with that, they both left as well.

 

**

 

The concert went surprisingly well. Jiyong gave his all, just like he always did. Even during the MC moments, all went better than the four of them expected. Jiyong participated to a certain level and smiled and acted cute towards the fans. They couldn’t see that his smile was fake and forced, luckily.

 

Towards the ending, Jiyong slipped on stage and landed on his knee while standing next to Seungri. It was just a minor fall, nothing that normally would hurt, but Seungri could clearly see that his hyung was in pain. Jiyong decided to ignore the worried looks he got and carried on with the song. He wasn’t having any pity… He couldn’t without breaking down.

 

At the end, he made sure to leave the stage first so he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. The fans were calling his name, but he decided that returning wasn’t an option. He could hear Seungri saying something in the line of “hyung really needs to go to the bathroom” which made the fans laugh. He was thankful for his maknae. He realize a while ago that when things go south, Seungri’s always there for him. He might be a handful sometimes, but he’s a really good friend as well. _‘Friend?...’_ perhaps it would be better that Seungri was mad at him instead of concerned. He had a way of getting people to open up when asked… and Jiyong wasn’t planning on doing that.

 

Once in his private room, he sat down on his chair, trying to calm down. He had to get out of here. He changed rather quickly after that and left, or at least he tried to. Youngbae was already in the other room, intentionally blocking the exit.

 

“You’re going to run away again?” Youngbae demanded, his voice no longer leaving room to argue.

“Because I’m not letting you.” For the first time this day, Jiyong looked at his friend.

 

“I’m just going to take a cab to our new hotel, if you don’t mind. I’m tired.” Jiyong spat, voice filled with venom. He felt cornered once again. But that didn’t stop Youngbae from grabbing his arm again, stopping him right before he could walk out of the room.

“What, I’m not allowed to leave when I want to? Get off!” Youngbae just sighed in response.

 

“I know…” He stated quietly. Jiyong looked up, not sure what he meant.

“Ji… I know…” Youngbae pressed, making sure his friend understood what he was implying. When Jiyong got the message, he went pale, shivers running over his body. _‘Oh shit, shit, fuck!! This can’t be happening! Why?!’_ He was sure that his friend wouldn’t drop it now. But he couldn’t talk about this. His friend would abandon him for sure. So he responded the only way he could think off, with anger.

 

“No, you don’t, leave me ALONE!!” he pushed his friend hard so he had to let go. Youngbae backed off, clearly not looking for a fight. He used this moment to get away, out of the room and out of the building.

 

**

 

Youngbae would do anything to avoid getting in an actual fight, especially with his friend. Fortunately, his bold move confirmed his suspicion from earlier. He was certain Jiyong was only ashamed before, but now he just looked plain angry and scared. _‘The boss must have figured it out as well. I didn’t think he would react this way, however…’_ he grabbed his cellphone from his pocket, entered a few numbers and held it to his ear.

 

“Hey,… yeah, I was right, he tried to leave before us… No, I couldn’t hold him any longer, but he’s coming your way…. Yeah… his arm seems painful also, so make sure you take a look at that as well… I know, but leaving him alone right now won’t work either. He got quite aggressive… Just, I don’t know, try to get him to talk, it’s the best thing for both him and us… Okay, see you later.”

 

**

 

The cab ride cooled him down a bit. He tried to keep his mind from going back to what just happened. He almost attacked his best friend. He had a feeling before all this that Youngbae knew, but now he’s sure. His friend knew and still tried to help him. _‘So, he wasn’t really upset then? That’s the first good thing that happened today… wait, that’s not true…’_ It wasn’t. All the band members were worried and cared… and he acted like a total ass. But he still wouldn’t tell anyone. He planned not to talk about it, not even with Youngbae.

He distracted himself from his thoughts by looking at the letter confirming their booking at the new hotel. They got suite for 5 persons, 3 bedrooms, a bathroom and a living room and kitchen. He’d have to share the bedroom with Seungri, Seunghyun and Daesung got a room and Youngbae got a room for him alone. It’s been like this forever. Youngbae snores and Seungri together with either Seunghyun or Daesung would end up in a fight. Jiyong chuckled at the mental pictures. He normally didn’t mind sharing with Seungri, they actually had very nice conversations and seem to get along great. They’ve gotten closer over the past few months and he really appreciated his company. _‘I’ve treated them all like shit today.’_ He told himself he’d go straight to bed and apologize tomorrow. The cab suddenly stopped, which pulled him from his thoughts. He arrived at the hotel. He paid the driver and walked into the hotel.

 

With no adrenaline left in his system, he could feel how painful his knee and arms have gotten. He didn’t take a look at his knee when he changed earlier. His jeans scrubbing against the wound certainly wasn’t helping either, but he managed to get up the stairs rather fine, thank god the luggage would arrive later… but now, he was slightly limping. He opened the door to their suite, turned on the light and looked around. They’ve stayed here before.

 

He was quite hungry, but he figured the others would be here soon, so he better just go to sleep. He went straight to his bedroom, yawning in the process. But when he opened the door, the lights were already on.

 

“Hyung…” Seungri was standing in the middle of the bedroom, in between their beds, with his arms crossed. He had and unreadable expression on his face. Jiyong’s thoughts of apologizing and staying calm from before flew right out his head.

 

**

 

“How… how did you get here before me?!” Jiyong demanded. Seungri could tell his hyung was not only shocked, but his defenses got up again in an instant, leaving an angry expression on his face.

 

“Youngbae hyung had a feeling you’d try to get away again and guessed you’d come here… I’d hurried while he stalled you. He decided I’d get here instead of him. Seeing that you almost attacked him, he made a good call, don’t you think?” he said matter-of-fact, voice tight. He’d normally never speaks this way towards a hyung, and definitely not Jiyong hyung. But he was getting desperate for answers and tired of being ignored.

“So yeah, we’re going to talk, but first sit down so I can take a look at those injuries. I saw you limping. Youngbae hyung told me your arm seemed sore as well…” Seungri demanded this time which got an angry reaction out of Jiyong.

 

“You dare tell me what to do, I’m-” But this time, Seungri snapped.

 

“YES, I DARE TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO, BECAUSE I’M WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU, ALRIGHT?! FOR SOME REASON YOU’RE NOT TALKING TO ANY OF US WHILE WE’RE ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU. YOU WON’T TELL THEM, TELL ME THEN! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! YOU THINK I DON’T CARE? I CAN ASSURE YOU I DO!” In all his rage Seungri didn’t immediately saw his hyung freeze. He was looking at the ground, fingers fiddling with his vest. Seungri took a deep breath once he noticed and calmed down.

“I care. I have been for years. For some reason you don’t want to tell us or can’t. You should know by now that there’s nothing hyung can say or do that make me hate you. Apparently Youngbae knows what’s going on and I guess our boss does too. If you’re afraid that I, or the rest of the team, will react the same way he did, you’re wrong.

 

“You don’t know that…” Jiyong mumbled, still looking at the floor.

 

“Yes, I do hyung! Youngbae hyung sure as hell doesn’t seem to mind whatever it is, so I can’t see why I should. That’s why you should tell us, or at least me. But first, we need to take care of your wounds so Sit. Down.” To Seungri’s surprise, his hyung did what he was told to.

 

Seungri got enough time to prepare so the first aid kit was already on the bed. While his hyung sat down, he rolled up his pants to look at the damage on the knee. The knee didn’t look too bad. There was an actual wound, but it wasn’t very deep. The area around it started bruising already.

 

“Hmm… it shouldn’t look like this though, you merely slipped. Did you fall earlier today?” Seungri asked but didn’t get an answer. He wasn’t expecting one. Jiyong was known for shutting down when he wasn’t in control of the situation.

“Okay, hyung I’m going to put a bandage on your knee, just to be sure. But I need you to stand up, sorry.” Seungri helped him up but forgot about his arm. Jiyong hissed slightly.

“Sorry about that, I’ll take a look at that after th-“ But Seungri stopped once he saw a dark blue color coming from underneath his hyung’s sleeve. He rolled it up without any warning, which startled Jiyong. He grabbed his maknae’s shirt to keep him from falling. The rest of his arm had the same color.

 

“What happened here?... Is… is the other arm the same?” Silence, which means yes.

“Hyung, who did this?...” But soon, Seungri’s mind did the math.

“Did… Did boss do this?...” He asked, voice barely over a whisper. The grip on his shirt got tighter and he had his answer. He wasn’t sure what to do with the information, but he had to make sure his hyung’s arms were in a worse condition than he thought. When he tried to roll the sleeve further up, he noticed drops of water were falling on his hand.

 

He looked up and saw tears leaving his hyung’s eyes. He had his free hand in front of his mouth, trying to keep the sobs inside.

“Seu- s-s-so-“ He tried to talk, but he couldn’t. Seungri was surprised by his next action. Jiyong practically fell into his arms and put his head in-between Seungri’s neck and shoulder, hands grabbing at the back of his shirt while silent sobs left Jiyong’s body.

 

“Hyung…”

 

TBC


	3. The lie

**He looked up and saw tears leaving his hyung’s eyes. He had his free hand in front of his mouth, trying to keep the sobs inside.**

**“Seu- s-s-so-“ He tried to talk, but he couldn’t. Seungri was surprised by his next action. Jiyong practically fell into his arms and put his head in-between Seungri’s neck and shoulder, hands grabbing at the back of his shirt while silent sobs left Jiyong’s body.**

**“Hyung…”**

Seungri stood there, in shock, while his shoulder was getting wet because of the tears. He didn’t know what to do. Jiyong never cried in front of him before, let alone break down. The only thing he could think of doing, was to put his hands on his hyung’s back and gently pat him. His hyung tried to say something, or at least Seungri thought he did. He wasn’t sure. The patting and hugging continued for a few minutes until his hyung seemed to calm down.

 

“Hyung?” He tried again while gently pushing Jiyong out of the hug, hoping he’d start talking. The crying stopped but he was still hiccupping slightly.

“Hyung, are you okay?” He whispered.

 

“I-I’m sorry…” Jiyong mumbled while looking at the ground. He was clearly ashamed of either crying or acting like a total dick earlier, Seungri couldn’t be sure. Not that it mattered now. Clearly something bad has happened. Jiyong dried the remaining tear tracks with his sleeve and turned around.

“I’ll leave you alone now…”

 

“What? No!” Seungri was confused. His hyung didn’t need to leave, he needed help.

“Please hyung, stay! I don’t want you to be alone right now!” He contemplated stopping his hyung by grabbing his arm. But those arms were sore and his hyung could miss any kind of physical pain right now. He was sure his hyung would just leave while he could. But he didn’t. He just stood there, his back facing Seungri.

“Please, let’s just… sit down, okay? You need rest, your knee and arms… please…” He whispered this time, afraid that the sound of his voice would make his hyung run away. But again, he didn’t. instead he turned his head to the side so half of his face was visible to Seungri.

 

**

 

He could see Seungri walking towards the bed and sit down on the side of it. He patted the bed next to him, encouraging him to sit down as well. Jiyong sighed, but sat down next to him anyway. He knew he couldn’t run away again. He wasn’t in any condition to do so. Everything hurt and he was getting exhausted. Not to mention he’d be fired if he went missing.

He also knew Seungri and the rest would want answers and he wasn’t ready for that. But he couldn’t just say nothing at all. He’d just leave certain stuff out, yeah, that could work. Seungri deserved some answers. They sat like that for a few moments, until Seungri couldn’t handle the silence any longer.

 

“So, will you tell me what happened?” Seungri was predictable that way. This was normally something that Jiyong was quite happy about. He’d know what Seungri wanted to eat, before he knew himself, but also how he would act on some talk show. Well, it was useful in the past, when Seungri acted before thinking. Now, Seungri was more the manager of the whole group, the one to make a tense situation less tense.

“Hyung?” Jiyong noticed he wondered off. Seungri looked kind of anxious, worried that he’d be mad for pushing.

 

“I-Well-umm” He started, noticing that he indeed wanted to tell Seungri something, but he found it hard to say anything, not to mention his throat kind of hurt after the ridiculous hard day. Seungri’s been there for him for years now, whenever times got rough. Jiyong new he deserved to know, but he simple couldn’t tell him.

“Sorry…” He scratched his head, embarrassment most certainly showing on his face.

 

 “No, just relax and start whenever you’re ready to start where you want to.” Could Seungri become any cuter? _Cuter?_ He knew he was lying to himself when he thought Seungri wasn’t cute. But he startled himself by that thought. Why was he thinking about stuff like this now? It really wasn’t the time to do so. Perhaps it’s just because he was tired. What Seungri did next however startled him even more. Seungri managed to gently grab his hand and put it in his. Jiyong took back his hand in a matter of seconds. He knew it was just a gesture of kindness, but still.

“Hyung?” Seungri tried again, confused by a nervous Jiyong.

 

“Sorry… I-I just, I’m afraid you’d hurt my arm, that’s all.” If there was a prize for lamest excuse ever, Jiyong would be the obvious winner. Seungri’s expression told him he wasn’t buying it either, but he never mentioned it.

 

“Hyung… Are you deflecting?” Seungri asked in all honesty, clearly done with all the evasive crap Jiyong pulled.

 

“No! No… I-“ He sighed. It was now or never.

“I was stupid... Remember I was working on that new track?” Seungri nodded.

“Well, I promised the boss I’d send it to him yesterday, but instead I…. I send him something else…” Now what? He couldn’t tell him the truth now, could he…

 

“Send him what?” Seungri encouraged him to continue.

 

“I- I might’ve send him a porn movie…” He barely whispered. He could feel himself getting as red as a tomato. In all his defense, he wasn’t really lying… Seungri’s eyes widened as soon as the words left his mouth. Jiyong could see the corners of his lips moving slightly upwards. Wait, was he laughing?

“You think this is funny?!” He nearly growled, getting upset again. This wasn’t funny, his whole life almost fell apart today. Seungri’s face fell immediately.

 

“No, hyung, no!! I don’t, I just… Well it’s weird. I did that before, remember. The boss thought it was funny. Why would he be mad about that?” Jiyong got up, trying to end the conversation. He had enough. Any more and he might say something he doesn’t want to tell.

 

“I don’t know, okay. I don’t get it either…” He lied while looking back at Seungri, still sitting on the bed. Perhaps this way he’d believe him. But he didn’t.

 

“What are you not telling me, hyung?” He asked skeptically. He had to get out of the room, this was getting dangerous.

 

“That’s it! Why are you questioning me?!” Jiyong felt himself getting angry. It wasn’t aimed at Seungri, not really. He knew he wouldn’t believe this either if someone told him.

 

“Sorry, I’m not hyung… It’s just… weird okay?” Seungri put his hands up in defense, speaking more quietly. Jiyong just sighed while walking towards the door, planning to leave the bedroom and Seungri for a while. At least ‘till he could figure the rest of the story out.

 

“I… know, don’t worry.” He tried to make Seungri feel at ease. It’s not his fault. He took the doorknob in his right hand, ready to go, when he heard Seungri talk again.

 

“It’s strange that boss got angry over a mere porn movie.” Jiyong agreed with him, knowing that this was, if fact a lie. He opened the door, but found something he didn’t expect standing on the other end of it. Seunghyun.

 

“That’s because he didn’t.” He said in his deep voice, his face held no expression. Jiyong could feel the adrenaline rushing through his body again. He looked down and saw a laptop resting in his hyung’s left hand.

 

And he suddenly realized with great fear, that he didn’t just send that email to his boss, but to Taeyang and Seunghyun as well.

 

* * *

 

TBC

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: whoos, another chapter. It’s short, this one. I know. Only 1 or 2 chapters left. I wonder what will happen (even though I’m the writer)… Kidding!
> 
> Thank you for reading again and for those lovely comments!


	4. Perhaps it's time to talk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s strange that boss got angry over a mere porn movie.” Jiyong agreed with him, knowing that this was, if fact a lie. He opened the door, but found something he didn’t expect standing on the other end of it. Seunghyun.
> 
>  
> 
> “That’s because he didn’t.” He said in his deep voice, his face held no expression. Jiyong could feel the adrenaline rushing through his body again. He looked down and saw a laptop resting in his hyung’s left hand.
> 
>  
> 
> And he suddenly realized with great fear, that he didn’t just send that email to his boss, but to Taeyang and Seunghyun as well.
> 
>  

 

“Hyung I- I can explain…” Jiyong stammered. He could hear his blood rushing through his veins now.

 

“Really, because it looks to me like you just lied to our maknae?” Seunghyun stated, his expressions

still neutral. Jiyong couldn’t tell if he was angry, disappointed or both. But he didn’t had time to dwell on that thought.

 

“Wait hyung… you didn’t send the boss a porn movie?” Seungri sounded confused, who could blame him.

“And why do you know all of this?”

 

“Oh no, he did.” Seunghyun responded to Seungri, before returning to stare at Jiyong again.

“He just didn’t tell the whole truth.” Still no expression.

“He always send his WIP to me as well… and to Youngbae… I’m guessing he didn’t read his mail yet…” He stated. Jiyong felt like breaking down again. If hyung told Seungri it would be all over. It might be over right now, for that matter. Seunghyun was like an Ice sculpture, cold and void of any emotions. His silence must have an effect on his hyung because he started talking again.

“Look… It’s not my place to tell, so I’m giving you a chance to tell Seungri yourself. Do it, because I’m going to check. Later, we’ll talk as well.” And with that he left, closing the door behind him.

 

Jiyong didn’t dare to turn around. This was it, he couldn’t not tell Seungri anymore. He was going to lose him forever. He couldn’t lose him, he loved him. ‘ _Love?’_ Yeah, love! But now, it didn’t matter anymore.

 

“Hyung?” Oh no, he absolutely didn’t want to tell. This was the end of the group. The end of his and their careers. All because he liked boys. _‘Shit, shit, shit, this it so stupid!’_

“Hyung!!” Seungri shouted. It made him look around at last. Seungri didn’t look angry, but worried. He could feel his blood draining from his face, hands started to shake. Running away seemed the solution. He’d be fired, but at least the group would be saved. But before he could, Seungri stood up and took Jiyong’s hands into his.

“Hyung… This is obviously very difficult for you. You look like you’d run away again. Please… what’s so bad that you wouldn’t tell me? You know you CAN tell me everything, right? I promise I won’t judge you.” This statement made Jiyong mad however. He immediately took his hands back.

 

“No, you can’t promise that!” He all but yelled.

“You can’t promise not to judge me, because I know you will. Everybody does! The boss did, Seunghyun-hyung did, everybody!” During his rant, Jiyong noticed that Seungri’s gentle expression didn’t change.

“Yes, I can… And sure, boss did judge you… But Seunghyun-hyung didn’t. He just came here because he was, perhaps surprised and slightly upset, but he didn’t look like he was judging you. He wasn’t sad or mad either. Nor was Youngbae-hyung, so I can’t see why you’d think I would be.” Jiyong expression fell.

“You really think that little of me?” Jiyong felt like crying again. Seungri sounded very sad. He knew Seungri was disappointed in him now and it felt like shit. ‘ _Better get used to that…’_

 

“No, I don’t, I-“

 

“Really? Because to me, it looks like you do!” Seungri started sounding angry.

 

“It’s not like that.”

 

“No, it is.”

 

“Why are you so pushy?!” Now it was Jiyong’s turn to get angry, defenses going up.

 

“I’m not! I’m trying to help, can’t you see that?!” Seungri’s voice got louder as well.

 

“No, you’re just being nosy!”

 

“No, being nosy would mean I’d steal hyung’s laptop. I’m asking you because I want to help you!” Jiyong wasn’t buying it. He was getting frustrated and lost.

 

“Help me? Why?”

 

“Because I care! I care about you, hyung!”

 

“DON’T LIE TO ME! YOU WANT TO KNOW? FINE! I SENT THEM A GAY PORN MOVIE, OKAY!!!” _‘Shit, shit, SHIT!!’_ The silence that followed the statement was to be expected. What Jiyong didn’t expect however was a comical expression on Seungri’s face, followed by Seungri laughing so hard he started crying.

 

“HAHAHA, oh my god, that’s it?!? All the fuss is because of this? This is hilarious!”

 

“What?” Jiyong hissed. Seungri tried to stop laughing and cleared his face from any tears.

 

“I’m sorry hyung, but all this is just because you got caught watching gay porn?” Jiyong couldn’t believe his ears. Seungri’s still smiling.

 

“No, you idiot, it’s because everybody now knows I’m gay!” He yelled, but soon put a hand over his mouth when he realized what he had said.

 

“So? That’s nothing new. I already knew.” Seungri explained with a smile. ‘ _He knew?’_

“You mean, you knew and you didn’t tell me?” Jiyong asked while smiling, although there was nothing to smile about. Seungri knew and… that was that? All the worrying, tears and yelling was for nothing? Jiyong felt betrayed, tears forming in his eyes again. Seungri must have noticed, because Jiyong was pulled into a hug.

“Hyung, I’m sorry. I… I thought you’d tell me when you figured it out yourself or when you were ready. I didn’t think this was about that at all. I wouldn’t have pushed you like I did if I’d knew. I’m sorry that I laughed…” Jiyong was still confused about it all.

 

“Why don’t you hate me?” He asked with a brittle voice. Seungri released him and looked at him in shock.

 

“Hate you? Because you’re gay? Hyung, that’s nuts, okay? I’ve known for years now! That’s why you were so worried?” Jiyong just nodded, feeling relieved.

 

“I thought I’d lose you…” Jiyong could feel tears leaving his eyes. He rubbed his face again and looked away.

“Sorry…” He apologized for crying again while smiling a little. He could hear Seungri sigh before feeling hands on each side of his head and lips touching his.

 

To say Jiyong was surprised would be an understatement. It took him approximately five seconds to figure out what was going on. The moment he did figure it out, his brain went to overdrive. All of the previous feelings of that day went out of the window and made place for longing, love and an unhealthy dose of adrenaline. He didn’t know he longed for this to happen until it did. His eyes were wide open because of the shock however. He hadn’t moved, too scared and too confused to do anything. Seungri might stop. And yeah, he was the hyung, but Seungri did all of the work. He could feel the younger one’s lips moving against his own.

 

It wasn’t until he felt the tip of a tongue that he moved slightly, just to open his mouth. When the kiss deepened, he finally closed his eyes as well. Jiyong felt so loved, and although he was moving his lips as well, Seungri was still dominating the kiss. Not that he minded, at this moment. Hell, he was sure Seungri could get away with anything from now on.

 

The kiss finally ended when the need for oxygen became too big. When Jiyong opened his eyes again, he saw that Seungri had a nice pink shade on his cheeks. Not that Jiyong wasn’t blushing himself. No, he was sure he had a tomato red face. They were both breathing rather fast, but Jiyong managed to speak.

 

“So… what does this mean?” He whispered. Seungri just looked at him with a smile and shrugged.

 

“Whatever you want it to mean.” Seungri sounded quite confident and Jiyong was going to respond to that, but then he heard the front door of the apartment open and close. He almost forgot about Seunghyun and the others. Seungri heard as well.

“You’re going to tell them” He asked, which earned him a nod from Jiyong.

 

“Yeah, I guess” He replied. He took a deep breath and walked out of the room with new found confidence, knowing Seungri and Youngbae support him. Seungri followed him.

 

**

 

Seunghyun was sitting at the kitchen counter drinking coffee. Sure it was already late, but he had the feeling he was going to need it. Seungri and Jiyong were still in the room after 20 minutes. He heard yelling at some point and he was going to check it out, but the yelling stopped and nobody ran out of the room, so he figured it was okay.

He knew the ‘you better tell him yourself, or I will’ thing was a low blow, but he had enough of it already. After watching what was in Jiyong’s mail, he knew. I wasn’t really that difficult. The boss figured it out as well, obviously. And he could get why Jiyong was behaving the way he was, but enough is enough.

 

At some point, he heard Youngbae and Daesung enter the apartment. They came straight to him. Daesung looked worried and tired, Youngbae wasn’t looking any better.

 

“Hey.” He greeted.

 

“Hi hyung, so how is it going?” Youngbae asked. Seunghyun shrugged in response.

 

“No idea, they’ve been in there for quite a while. There was some yelling, but it stopped soon after it started… Haven’t you checked your mail yet?” He demanded.

 

“Nope, but I figured out what this was about anyway… Wait, you know? How?” But before Seunghyun could answer, the door to Seungri’s and Jiyong’s bedroom opened. Jiyong came out first, followed by a rather content looking Seungri.

 

Jiyong himself looked nervous however. Not as nervous and scared as before, but still not at ease either. Seunghyun figured Seungri took it rather well. Now everyone knew except Daesung. He guessed knowing is one thing, but telling is something else. This wasn’t easy for Jiyong, but it had to be said.

 

“I… I’ve got to tell you something… but first, I need to apologies.” Jiyong stammered. He looked back at Seungri, who nodded and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve been un-leader-like this past 48 hours. I’ve acted horribly and treated you all like dirt, lashing out and yelling at you, while you guys did nothing wrong. You’ve been supportive and nice to me, even though I didn’t deserve that. I realize I almost messed up our concert, but it just became all too much.”

Jiyong paused and sighed. He was staring at the ground while talking, not daring to make eye-contact.

“What I’m trying to say and what all of you, except Dae, already know is that… I’m gay. I’ve known for a few years now and I wasn’t going to tell a soul. That was until yesterday when I sent the wrong file to our boss. He figured it out and was furious. So I thought you’d all be like that. I know that Seungri and Youngbae have accepted me and Dae, I hope you will to. Hyung, I know you’re angry at me, but I hope we can still wo-“ But Seunghyun wasn’t having any of it.

 

“I’m going to stop you right there. You’re right, I’m angry.” He said with a tight voice, making Jiyong flinch. He decided Jiyong has been upset enough so he’d be more easy on him.

“But I’m not angry because you’re gay, I’m angry that you’d think I would judge you for that. Ji, come on, we’ve known each other for years. When I got the email, everything made sense. Hell, I don’t care if you like girls, boys or even unicorn…” Dae interrupted him.

 

“Hyung, unicorns don’t exist.” Daesung muttered.

 

“Whatever, you get the picture! What I’m trying to say is that I’m upset that you didn’t have more faith in me… Ji, would you look at me, please?” Jiyong didn’t move the entire time he spoke and was still looking at the ground. Seunghyun found it hard to read him like this. Jiyong did look up with tears in his eyes, clearly trying not to cry.

 

“I’m sorry.” Jiyong said in a brittle voice.

 

“It’s fine, I know you are… It’s all in the past now… And I’m sure Dae feels the same way.” Seunghyun looked at Daesung, searching for confirmation. Daesung nodded in return.

“See? Okay, now… Let’s do something fun together, we need some happiness in this place.” They all laughed at that statement, even Jiyong smiled. They all moved towards the living room. They got a huge TV and any movie on demand. Nothing beats a good movie with the band. Daesung went back to the kitchen, preparing some popcorn when Youngbae started talking.

 

“Ji, I’m sorry to ask, but what happened between you and the boss in that dressing room?” Jiyong’s face fell again. It was clear he didn’t want to talk about it, so Seungri did instead.

 

“He got aggressive and told him to… well, ‘not be gay’ if he wanted to keep his job.” Seungri, who was sitting next to Jiyong, rolled up the latter’s sleeve to show the rest of the members his damaged arms. Seunghyun felt nauseous instantly.

 

“Shit, Ji! That looks painful…” Jiyong just shrugged.

 

“It doesn’t hurt anymore, Seungri took care of it.” Daesung, who returned from the kitchen to take a look, wasn’t convinced.

 

“Still, this is not right. Hyung, can’t we do anything about all of this?” Daesung inquired. But Seunghyun had to disappoint.

 

“No, not if we want to keep our jobs. We’ll just… have to be careful…” He looked at Ji, waiting for a reaction. But when nothing came, he continued.

“Look, Ji. We won’t tell him anything, you know that. Just keep a low profile, that’s all you can do for now.” Jiyong nodded in agreement.

“But now I get why you were so reluctant to tell us anything… Jeez… which reminds me… You and Seungri were yelling at some point.” Jiyong looked up at him.

 

“You heard that?” He said, clearly surprised. Seunghyun laughed.

 

“It was impossible not to… but, it suddenly ended, kinda weird really… what happened?”

 

“I kissed him.” Was Seungri’s fast answer. You could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t meant to say that. The rest of the band just stared wildly at the two now-lovers-apparently. Only Youngbae looked utterly calm and said:

 

“Finally…”

 

* * *

 

THE END

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whoop, done! My initial plan was to split this chapter in two, but it didn’t feel right so I had to continue writing. That’s why it took so long…
> 
> A great, big thank you to all of you for reading and commenting! I still can’t believe why you’d read something I’ve written. It’s full of mistakes. I’m very grateful!
> 
>  
> 
> If you are full of ideas, but aren’t writing them down. Start doing so! You might end up writing fanfiction (like me). Don’t worry if it’s not that good in your eyes, you’ll get better every time. There will never be enough fics in the world. Go and multiply! (wait… that’s not correct…)
> 
>  
> 
> Now I have to search for something new to write… Perhaps something a little more… happy (that was the plan with this fic, something went wrong, obviously…)… Maybe I’ll try some of them prompts? I don’t know… Oof… I’m hungry, gotta eat something first!
> 
>  
> 
> Jaa ne!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Oof, starting a new fic. Sometimes ideas just pop in your head and this is the result (part of it, anyway)... I'm not planning to make this fic very long (like my previous one) because I have too many ideas inside my head ^^


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